STERBS

S T E R B S

Emotions and pain. They are uncomfortable at times. Occasionally, they are downright scary. It's easy to want to ignore them, bury them, run away from them. We aren't failing when we react this way. We are simply acting on the ways we have been taught (and those who taught us acted in the way they had been taught, and so on).

When we deny our emotions rather than dealing with them, we store the energy inside ourselves. This energy creates physical and mental discomfort - racing heart, anxious thoughts, lack of energy or focus, etc.

John W. James in The Grief Recovery Handbook explains that expecting time to simply relieve our pain is like putting a cork in a tea kettle and leaving it on the stove. A healthy tea kettle will let off some steam often when it is on the heat. An unhealthy tea kettle will build up pressure (because of the corked spout) until it eventually explodes.

When we feel the internal buildup of pressure, we often seek a way to relieve it (STERB: Short Term Energy Relieving Behaviors). The problem with STERBs is that they appear to work for a while, until they don't anymore. Then we seek out more of that behavior or even a new one in order to distract ourselves from the internal energy buildup.

A STERB might be:

• Food

• Alcohol

• TV/Videos/Netflix/video games

• Browsing social media

• Shopping (aptly named retail therapy)

• Sex

• Novels or magazines

• Education

• Cleaning or organizing relentlessly

• Workaholism

• Exercise

Any of these things may also be a healthy behavior if engaged in healthy ways (we have to eat to live, exercise is good for our health, education is good for our mind, enjoying entertainment can be fun with friends, and sex in the context of marriage is comforting and promotes intimacy). Only you know whether you are running to something to escape painful feelings.

In her book Stay, Anjuli Paschall says it potently when she states:

"Pain has been infused into our bones since the beginning. It was there in the fall that they hearts of all mankind became twisted. Our hearts became bent, and with every scene of our lives the twist intensified. We chip away at the massive wounds - branches, gnarled this way and that - with a toothpick, thinking that our tools and tactics can undo the damage. Tools like fashion and humor and the number on the scale or the completed checklist or being perfect. We think these tools have power to bring peace. But the twisting stitches our chests tighter and tighter until our breath becomes labored and our bodies limp. So, we change our tools, and we become more dependent on our toolbox. We depend on alcohol or medication or our sexuality or marriage to keep the thorns from choking us to death" (67).

Take time today to think about what you run to when you are feeling uncomfortable with your emotions. Identify anything you engage in to make yourself feel better, then consider whether you're actually finding relief or if you're avoiding your pain.

Our hearts do not scare our God. He created them. He knows us inside and out (Psalm 139), and even if we try to hide them from ourselves, He is still familiar with all our ways. We are never left alone in our pain.

"Behold, I AM WITH YOU ALWAYS . . ." (Jesus - Matthew 28:20)

We can't escape a pattern of behavior until we identify it. Take some time to name your STERB. It's the first step in learning a new way!

#emotions #emotionalhealth #mentalhealth #nameit #bodyawareness #mindful #awareness #selfcompassion #Mindfulness #greatexpectationsdoula