"At least you were in your first trimester."
"It was your first, you can have other kids."
"Don't worry, you can try again."
"There was probably something wrong with the baby anyway."
"It's all in God's plans."
WRONG! These and more are the phrases I heard after the loss of our first child. These statements do not see me. These comments are not compassionate. And so many times, it's easy to take our culture's example of brushing off the hard and take on these phrases ourselves.
. . . .
What NOT to do:
* Don't try to fix their pain with trite or religious responses - if they have a faith system, the time will come for reinforcement of their faith, but in the midst of the pain, it's time to be present with them in the midst of it - not try to get them out of it.
* Don't minimize their grief. Don't say it's going to be okay. They can try again. Or maybe it will turn out better next time. For one, you don't know what the future holds, but more importantly, this minimizes their experience and tells them their emotions currently don't matter or have a place.
* Don't tell them their emotional response is wrong. THERE IS NO WRONG WAY TO GRIEVE! Some people are quiet and private. Be quiet with them. Some people need to cry, hold them and listen. Some people need to yell and scream and get angry, let them. Emotion is just energy, and if it is not being used to hurt themselves or others, it will pass if given the opportunity to be expressed.
Allowing their emotion to have it's space and time in the way that it needs validates their experience and reaction. It says you matter. Your experience matters. And I will love you no matter how you experience this pain and grief!
Grief holds no timeline.
Some will start to feel better in a few days or few weeks.
Some will take years to turn a corner.
Some will find that memories bring grief. Some find the memories bring more joy. Some will be deeply effected by milestones, others won't pay any attention to milestones.
Be where they are.
*** SUPER IMPORTANT **** If their child had a name - USE THE CHILD's NAME! Don't simply say "your child." or "your baby" That child existed and had impact on your friend’s life. Honor their existence by using their name!
Remember important dates. And be willing to be present with your friend again if these times bring up additional emotion.
You don't have to fix it. But you can be a crucial piece in their healing journey if you are willing to be present with them!
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