I worked in OB as a Labor and Delivery Nurse when we lost our first son to miscarriage in 2008. In all honesty, it was probably one of the most triggering places to work after a loss of a child.
In the weeks following our burial of Sam Azrial, I held and supported mamas while they pulled their healthy babies up to their chest, and I held and comforted mamas when they too discovered their baby was no longer viable and they would be delivering a child they would never meet this side of heaven.
I found myself in tears in both situations. Initially, I assumed it was compassion, that I could now relate to those experiencing loss, and that I was over excited for these mamas who were able to deliver and hold their healthy infants.
What I didn't realize was that I had my own trauma from my loss that was surfacing, and my emotions were truly my own wounds attempting to be seen, validated and shown compassion in these triggering situations.
. . . .
When a friend or family member loses a child - whether they ever got to meet and enjoy that child or not, the loss spreads from their experience to ours. What I mean is this - any loss you have experienced in the past that has not been properly healed can try to surface and color your emotions and your interactions with those who have lost.
Before you can ever be present with the emotions of your friend, you must first be present with your own.
Ask yourself:
* what emotion do I feel?
* where do I feel it in my body?
* what fears surface?
* what longings surface?
Take some time to acknowledge what is there, and if big emotions are present, be sure to find ways to calm your body (look up grounding techniques) before you ever try to be present with your friend.
If you are able to understand your own emotions, you will be able to find separation between your experience and your friend's experience.
What happens when we get lost in our own emotions and those feelings color our interactions?
-- Our friend hears our story and doesn't feel heard
-- Our friend feels their story is not unique or valuable
-- Our friend may not feel seen or known at all since you may be caught in your own grief narrative.
I cannot emphasize how critical it is to be grounded when you are in the presence of a grieving friend. Their experience is their experience, and they deserve to be seen and known in the unique ways they are experiencing grief and not have their story overwritten by yours.
Be present with yourself so that you can be present with them.
Show compassion to yourself so you can be present in compassion.
See your own story, so you can find separation and truly validate their story and where they are!
Understand your emotions.
Then you can be the friend you long to be in times of loss!
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